Skip to main content

Wild Child / Insecurely Avoidant

“Islands [insecurely avoidant] tend to have both heightened primitives and wild ambassadors.  If your partner is an island, he or she may rely too much on talking to work out issues.  This often is a consequence of not being able to connect readily on a nonverbal level.  Of course this imbalance is natural for an island and generally may not lead to complaints in setting other than romantic relationships.  When the relationship becomes distressed, a left brain gone wild can get your partner into hot water if he or she comes across as overly logical, rational, arrogant, unemotional, or unexpressive, or an insufficiently empathic.  Under stress, an island can be overly terse, dismissive, and inflexible, or too silent or too still.
“During a conflict, an island will tend focus on the future and avoid the present and past.  ‘The past is past.  Why can’t we just move forward?’ is a common island approach.  In all-out war, an island’s left grain gets hijacked by primitives and can become threatening by communicating attack or retreat.  Rendered useless to social or creative causes, it uses words (or the withholding of words) as weapons.  It still sounds like an ambassador, but it acts like a primitive: its only interest is survival.” – Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love

How we communicate in love and war will depend on our relationship styles.  Islands are just one of three possible styles.  See earlier posts for more information on the three.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Accepting a compliment

"Nearly everyone who is asked, 'What is the proper response to a compliment?' replies, 'Say 'thank you.''  But when actually offered a compliment, only a third of people accept it so simply and smoothly, found linguist Robert Herbert of Binghamton University. "The difficulty lies in the fact that a compliment ('What a nice sweater!') has two levels: a gift component (accept or reject) and a content component (agree or disagree).  The addressee is confronted with a  dilemma--how to respond simultaneously to both: 'I must agree with the speaker and thank him for the gift of a compliment while avoiding self-praise.' "Contrary to conventional wisdom, women aren't worse than men at accepting compliments.  It is the gender of the compliment-giver that most influences the response.  Women and men are both more likely to accept a compliment coming from a man than from a woman.  When a man says, 'Nice scarf," a...
Post a Comment
Read more

Drug use and crime in USA

"Gil Kerlikoske, the White House director of national drug control policy, said a study by his office showed a strong link between drug use and crime.  Eighty percent of the adult males arrested for crimes in Sacramento, California, last year tested positive for at least one illegal drug.  Marijuana was the most commonly detected drug, found in 54 percent of those arrested. "The study found similar results in four other cities: New York, Denver, Atlanta and Chicago.  Among the cities, it included examinations of 1,736 urine samples and 1,938 interviews with men who were arrested.  "Researches found that marijuana was the most popular drug used by men who'd been arrested in all the cities, ranging from a low of 37 percent in Atlanta to a high of 58 percent in Chicago.  Chicago also had the highest overall positive test results, with 86 percent of the men found to have at least one drug in their bloodstreams. "Cocaine ranked as the second most ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Couple Therapy

"What I learned confirmed Bowlby's message that patterns of relating created by attachment, separation, and loss during the first few years of life become fixed and impact all future relationships.  It also confirmed that couples' narratives (i.e. their presenting problems) are the logical products of the cortex playing catch-up with the emotional part of the brain.  The limbic system reacts almost instantaneously.  This understanding supports the view that couple therapy should concentrate not on the espoused content of the partners' conflict but rather on their underlying core dynamics. "Dr Walter Bracelmanns, who was developing his own integration of couple therapy.  I thank him for the support that he gave to the new idea that the focus of the work is the relationship, not the growth of the individual self of each partner." - Marion Solomon in Love and War in Intimate Relationships Couple therapy theories vary greatly.  So many different t...
Post a Comment
Read more