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How Vulnerable is Your Partner?

"It is important for you to know your own vulnerabilities, and it is even more important to know your partner's.  Knowing your partner's three or four bad things takes the guesswork out of what distresses him or her.  Not knowing these three or four things can weaken the relationship and make it a dangerous place for both of you. 

"... 1. Sit down and think about the issues that deeply affect your partner.  You probably didn't know him or her during childhood, but what has your partner shared with you about that phase of life?

"2. Recall specific incidents in your relationship during which you partner became distressed.  In each case, what was the issue that made him or her feel vulnerable.

"3. Jot down all the incidents and issues come to mind.  Don't censor yourself.

"4. When you've completed your list, go back over it and look for commonalities.  See if you can narrow the list down to three or four main areas of vulnerability.

"5. As a final step, you may wish to check with your partner.  Find out what your partner sees as the three or four things that make him or her feel bad.  Watch your partner's face and listen to his or her voice for signs that these things are in fact a big deal." Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love

It is important to know your partner's sensitivities and vulnerabilities to grow emotional intimacy.  We know how to push their buttons to set them off to hurt them, we also need to learn how to protect them too.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.
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