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How to Frame Criticism

"Even 'constructive criticism' is usually received with defensiveness.  That's why Denver psychologist Susan Heitler, author of From Conflict to Resolution, recommends feedback that 'skips the complaining and goes straight to the explaining.

..."For parents, the same approach applies to homework and chores.  Choose encouraging statements over a stern grilling, Heitler advises, and say what you would prefer your child to do rather than what she has not done or has done incorrectly. ('I'd love to see your playroom cleaned up by this weekend so you and your friends can have fun downstairs,' instead of 'This place is a mess! What have you been doing?  You haven't picked up one thing.  No one is coming over this weekend until this room is spotless.')

"Criticism is the single most significant factor in a child's perception of the parental relationship.  It's important to criticize without demeaning or humiliating." - Mary Loftus in March/April 2013 Psychology Today

Most of us cannot take 'constructive criticism' because it usually doesn't feel that is coming from someone who cares about us, just caring about what we do.  It is important to learn to reframe our thinking not about shaming or humiliating for performance but to encourage.


Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.

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