"When I see partners in a successfully maintained couple bubble, one
standout feature is their ability to care for, influence, and manage one
another, much the way expert parents do with their children. Both
partners seem to have read and carefully studied the owner's manual for
the relationship and for each other. Each is familiar with operational
details that no one outside of the bubble is likely to know.
"For instance, these partners know what has the most power to push the other's buttons. When the other is feeling bad, they immediately sense why. Not only that, they know how to remedy the situation. They know the right words to say, or deeds to perform, that have the power to elevate, relieve, excite, soothe, or heal each other. From a neuroscience perspective, these partners possess strong orbitofrontal cortices; well-balanced left and right brains; well-developed smart vagal systems; well-regulated breath and vocal control; and honed communication skills that keep love close and war at a far distance.
"How did they get to be so adept? Are such people perhaps in possession of a perfect partner chromosome? Trust me, no. Do they have some kind of secret superpower that allows them to manage their partner emotionally? Well maybe. ...some of us got a better start in life than did others, with a lots of positive interactions with safe adults who were interested in and curious about us. We all come to the table with primitives that don't want us to be harmed, and ambassadors that at times can be annoying. Truth is, we can be, all of us, pains in the rear. When we recite our relationship vows, perhaps we should say, "I take you as my pain in the rear, with all your history and baggage, and I take responsibility for all prior injustices you endured at the hands of those I never knew, because you now are in my care." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love
Would you be willing to take that vow? That is commitment. As parents we are to take that vow. Can we do it for our main relationship? Secure partners do this for one another. It is not easy when our partner has a lot of baggage. And what I see in my counseling office is that when one partner has a lot of baggage then the other one does too. This is a difficult situation that needs a third party sometimes to help.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.
"For instance, these partners know what has the most power to push the other's buttons. When the other is feeling bad, they immediately sense why. Not only that, they know how to remedy the situation. They know the right words to say, or deeds to perform, that have the power to elevate, relieve, excite, soothe, or heal each other. From a neuroscience perspective, these partners possess strong orbitofrontal cortices; well-balanced left and right brains; well-developed smart vagal systems; well-regulated breath and vocal control; and honed communication skills that keep love close and war at a far distance.
"How did they get to be so adept? Are such people perhaps in possession of a perfect partner chromosome? Trust me, no. Do they have some kind of secret superpower that allows them to manage their partner emotionally? Well maybe. ...some of us got a better start in life than did others, with a lots of positive interactions with safe adults who were interested in and curious about us. We all come to the table with primitives that don't want us to be harmed, and ambassadors that at times can be annoying. Truth is, we can be, all of us, pains in the rear. When we recite our relationship vows, perhaps we should say, "I take you as my pain in the rear, with all your history and baggage, and I take responsibility for all prior injustices you endured at the hands of those I never knew, because you now are in my care." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love
Would you be willing to take that vow? That is commitment. As parents we are to take that vow. Can we do it for our main relationship? Secure partners do this for one another. It is not easy when our partner has a lot of baggage. And what I see in my counseling office is that when one partner has a lot of baggage then the other one does too. This is a difficult situation that needs a third party sometimes to help.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.
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