Psychology Help Today

“As experts on one another, they can detect when the other has an itch, and they know exactly how to scratch it to provide relief.  Often it takes just a smile or a look or a grasp of the hand to calm each other’s primitives and communicate the support that is needed.  They get their needs met in ways that would not be possible if each were alone; they do this for each other because they can and because it makes them more attractive–and even indispensible–to one another.  Nor does anyone outside their bubble do what they do for one another, and as such, their world is a safer, more protective world than the one that exists outside their bubble.” -Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love A loving couple bubble is work but it is worth the work.  Like a child who is has parents who know what we need, so can an adult couple-ship can meet each other’s attachment needs with contentment and belonging to each other. Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in...

"It is important for you to know your own vulnerabilities, and it is even more important to know your partner's.  Knowing your partner's three or four bad things takes the guesswork out of what distresses him or her.  Not knowing these three or four things can weaken the relationship and make it a dangerous place for both of you.  "... 1. Sit down and think about the issues that deeply affect your partner.  You probably didn't know him or her during childhood, but what has your partner shared with you about that phase of life? "2. Recall specific incidents in your relationship during which you partner became distressed.  In each case, what was the issue that made him or her feel vulnerable. "3. Jot down all the incidents and issues come to mind.  Don't censor yourself. "4. When you've completed your list, go back over it and look for commonalities.  See if you can narrow the list down to three or four main areas of vulne...

"You and your partner should become familiar with each others' relationship styles. "We get to know our partner fully in order to become competent as managers of our partners in the best way.  Be competent managers, I mean partners who are experts on one another and know how to move, shift, motivate, influence, soothe, and inspire one another.  In contrast, partners who are not expects on one another tend to create a mutual  sense of threat and insecurity.  they don't enjoy a couple bubble.  These partners also tend to wish the other would change, listen to them, or do things the way they do, and ultimately believe they they coupled with the wrong person.  Sadly, these partners merely recreate the insensitivity, injustice, and insecurity of their childhood, never really knowing what is withing their reach  'if only....' "For many people, closeness brings both the promise of safety and security and a threat to safety and security.  ...

"If your partner is a wave [insecurely ambivalent], he or she may insist too much on verbal assurances of love and security.  This is the reverse of what we see with an island, who is less prone to seek or even care about such assurances.  With a right brain gone wild, your partner may appear overly preoccupied with their assurances, and appear overly preoccupied with these assurances, and appear overly expressive, dramatic, emotional, tangential, irrational, and angry.  Under stress, a wave can be unforgiving, punishing, rejecting and inflexible. "During a conflict, a wave will tend to focus on the past and avoid the present and future.  'I can't move forward until we resolve what happened' is a common wave statement.  In all-out war, the wave's right brain get hijacked by primitives and can become threatening by doggedly pursuing a resolution through connecting, now!  In this situation, the connector uses physical and emotional connection as...

“Islands [insecurely avoidant] tend to have both heightened primitives and wild ambassadors.  If your partner is an island, he or she may rely too much on talking to work out issues.  This often is a consequence of not being able to connect readily on a nonverbal level.  Of course this imbalance is natural for an island and generally may not lead to complaints in setting other than romantic relationships.  When the relationship becomes distressed, a left brain gone wild can get your partner into hot water if he or she comes across as overly logical, rational, arrogant, unemotional, or unexpressive, or an insufficiently empathic.  Under stress, an island can be overly terse, dismissive, and inflexible, or too silent or too still. “During a conflict, an island will tend focus on the future and avoid the present and past.  ‘The past is past.  Why can’t we just move forward?’ is a common island approach.  In all-out war, an island’s left ...

Three styles of relating: " Anchor- -Secure as individuals -Willing to commit and fully share with another -Generally happy people -Adapt easy to the needs of the moment " Island- - Independent and self-reliant -Take good care of themselves -Productive and creative, especially when given space -Low maintenance "Wave- -Generous and giving -Focused on taking care of others -Happiest when around other people -Able to see both sides of an issue" - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love It is helpful to know that others don't relate in the same way we do.  Their attachment relating effects relationships.  Securely attached, insecurely avoidant, and insecurely ambivalent are other ways of saying the above styles.  The Stan Tatkin says "what a boring place this world would be if it were any other way."  That is an optimistic way to look at relationship difficulties! Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be r...

"As you wonder about your own childhood, you might ask yourself if any of the following happened when you were a child: Was I frequently left alone to play by myself? Was I taken out as a show item and then put away when no longer needed? Was I expected to meet the needs of my caregivers more than my own needs? Was I expected to manage my caregivers' emotional world or self esteem? Was I expected to stay young, cute, and dependent? Was I expected to grow up quickly, act self-sufficient, and not be a problem? Were my caregivers sensitive to my needs or did they frequently misread me? "Before we go further, I want to clarify that this snapshot of your childhood is not about whether or not you were loved by your parents.  I don't want to give the impression I'm talking about love.  what I'm describing has less to do with love and more to do with safety and security and the underlying attitudes we bring to a relationship." - Stan Tatkin, ...

"As I've stated, our social wiring is set at an early age.  Whether we grow up feeling basically secure or basically insecure to determined by how our parents or caregivers relate to us and to the world.  Parents who put a high value on relationship tend to do more to protect their loved ones than do parents who value other things more.  They tend to spend more face-to-face and skin-to-skin time with their child; be more curious about and interested in their child's mind; be more focused, attentive, and attuned to their child's needs; and generally be more motivated to quickly correct errors or injuries, because they want to restore the goodness of the relationship.  In these ways, they create a secure environment for the child. "The dynamics of this early relationship leave their mark at a physiological level.  Neuroscientists have observed that children who receive lots of positive attention from adults then to develop more neural networks than d...

"We now understand the role of secure attachments in the promotion of mature development, self-confidence, and autonomy (Feeney, 2007), the origin and the impact of insecure attachment orientations, and the importance of both to intimate partnerships.  And we now know that the lack of secure attachment bonds early in life does not condemn one to a lifetime of unhappy relationships (Byng-Hall 1999); it is possible to earn security over time via new, reparative relationships (Main, 2003). ..."The psychobiological model, developed by Stan Tatkin, is rooted in the perception introduced by Marion Solomon 15 years ago ( Lean on Me: The Power of Positive Dependence in Intimate Relationships) that each partner in an adult primary attachment relationship must learn to be the other's secure base (Solomon, 1984, 1994). ..."insecure attachment patterns evident even in the glow of new relationship can turn love into war.  Key moments of emotional connection spark neg...