"Nearly everyone who is asked, 'What is the proper response to a
compliment?' replies, 'Say 'thank you.'' But when actually offered a
compliment, only a third of people accept it so simply and smoothly,
found linguist Robert Herbert of Binghamton University.
"The difficulty lies in the fact that a compliment ('What a nice sweater!') has two levels: a gift component (accept or reject) and a content component (agree or disagree). The addressee is confronted with a dilemma--how to respond simultaneously to both: 'I must agree with the speaker and thank him for the gift of a compliment while avoiding self-praise.'
"Contrary to conventional wisdom, women aren't worse than men at accepting compliments. It is the gender of the compliment-giver that most influences the response. Women and men are both more likely to accept a compliment coming from a man than from a woman. When a man says, 'Nice scarf," a woman is more likely to respond affirmatively. 'Thanks, my sister knitted it for me.'
"But when one woman tells another, 'That's a beautiful sweater,' she is likely to demur or deflect: 'It was on sale at Walmart, and they didn't even have the color I wanted.' Such a response, intended to make the complimenter feel that recipient isn't overly proud, only makes her feel awkward or invalidated instead.
"Compliments can expose a wide range of social ineptitude. Responses Herbert recorded include 'praise upgrades' ('Yes, it really brings out the blue in my eyes'), follow-up questions ('Do you really think so? Do you want to borrow it?') and disagreement ('it's itchy, I hate it'). Better to make a relevant, related comment ('Thanks, it's my favorite'). But nothing tops a smile, looking the complimenter in the eye, and saying, 'Thank you.'" - Mary Loftus in Psychology Today March/April 2013
We can make others feel bad when they compliment us. Learning how to take a compliment can do wonders for our relationships.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.
"The difficulty lies in the fact that a compliment ('What a nice sweater!') has two levels: a gift component (accept or reject) and a content component (agree or disagree). The addressee is confronted with a dilemma--how to respond simultaneously to both: 'I must agree with the speaker and thank him for the gift of a compliment while avoiding self-praise.'
"Contrary to conventional wisdom, women aren't worse than men at accepting compliments. It is the gender of the compliment-giver that most influences the response. Women and men are both more likely to accept a compliment coming from a man than from a woman. When a man says, 'Nice scarf," a woman is more likely to respond affirmatively. 'Thanks, my sister knitted it for me.'
"But when one woman tells another, 'That's a beautiful sweater,' she is likely to demur or deflect: 'It was on sale at Walmart, and they didn't even have the color I wanted.' Such a response, intended to make the complimenter feel that recipient isn't overly proud, only makes her feel awkward or invalidated instead.
"Compliments can expose a wide range of social ineptitude. Responses Herbert recorded include 'praise upgrades' ('Yes, it really brings out the blue in my eyes'), follow-up questions ('Do you really think so? Do you want to borrow it?') and disagreement ('it's itchy, I hate it'). Better to make a relevant, related comment ('Thanks, it's my favorite'). But nothing tops a smile, looking the complimenter in the eye, and saying, 'Thank you.'" - Mary Loftus in Psychology Today March/April 2013
We can make others feel bad when they compliment us. Learning how to take a compliment can do wonders for our relationships.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.
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