Psychology Help Today

“As experts on one another, they can detect when the other has an itch, and they know exactly how to scratch it to provide relief.  Often it takes just a smile or a look or a grasp of the hand to calm each other’s primitives and communicate the support that is needed.  They get their needs met in ways that would not be possible if each were alone; they do this for each other because they can and because it makes them more attractive–and even indispensible–to one another.  Nor does anyone outside their bubble do what they do for one another, and as such, their world is a safer, more protective world than the one that exists outside their bubble.” -Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love A loving couple bubble is work but it is worth the work.  Like a child who is has parents who know what we need, so can an adult couple-ship can meet each other’s attachment needs with contentment and belonging to each other. Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in...

"Asking a partner, 'What's wrong?' is a bit like asking 'Who are you, again?'  As partners, we should know.  Others may not know and are not required to know, but we most certainly are.  That's our job, and that's why we're paid the big buck!  We do for our partners what others would not want to do because they don't really care. "Of course, our guesses will not be correct a hundred percent of the time.  I'm not suggesting you need to be clairvoyant." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love I love the knowing that he writes about.  We should know the ones we love.  And, too, they should know us.  That is why it takes time to develop real relationships. Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.

"Are you aware of what things you can say or do that have the power to relieve distress and uplift your partner?  Take a minute and think about these now. "1. You may find it helpful to begin with the list of vulnerabilities" of your partner. "For each of the three or four things that make your partner feel bad, you probably can identify something that will mollify the bad feeling.... "2. Check the list you come up with against the antidotes.... "3. You may also want to create a list of the things your partner can (and does) do that please and uplift you.   If you are doing this exercise together, you can create separate lists for each other and then compare notes." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love As we learn to uplift those that we love our relationships get more emotional intimate.  It is important to share what we need too to get relief from distress.  Your partner may not know what you need and it is perfectly legitima...

"It is important for you to know your own vulnerabilities, and it is even more important to know your partner's.  Knowing your partner's three or four bad things takes the guesswork out of what distresses him or her.  Not knowing these three or four things can weaken the relationship and make it a dangerous place for both of you.  "... 1. Sit down and think about the issues that deeply affect your partner.  You probably didn't know him or her during childhood, but what has your partner shared with you about that phase of life? "2. Recall specific incidents in your relationship during which you partner became distressed.  In each case, what was the issue that made him or her feel vulnerable. "3. Jot down all the incidents and issues come to mind.  Don't censor yourself. "4. When you've completed your list, go back over it and look for commonalities.  See if you can narrow the list down to three or four main areas of vulne...

"The role of a primary partner is a big one:  it entails taking good care of another human pain in the rear.  And the only way for this to work is for it to be fully mutual.  Both partners need to become experts on one another.  With this kind of arrangement, nobody really loses and everybody truly wins.  You can think of it as a kind of pay-to-play version of romance, and it is, make not mistake, an investment in your future." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love Understanding your partner is necessary for good romantic relationship.  Relationship should not just be "consensual," a political correct term, but really the relationship needs to be taking care of one another's heartaches, fears and pains.  We need to know how to take care of our partner in their hard times not just in the good and visa versa, they need to the same for us.  Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appoint...

"When I see partners in a successfully maintained couple bubble, one standout feature is their ability to care for, influence, and manage one another, much the way expert parents do with their children.  Both partners seem to have read and carefully studied the owner's manual for the relationship and for each other.  Each is familiar with operational details that no one outside of the bubble is likely to know. "For instance, these partners know what has the most power to push the other's buttons.  When the other is feeling bad, they immediately sense why.  Not only that, they know how to remedy the situation.  They know the right words to say, or deeds to perform, that have the power to elevate, relieve, excite, soothe, or heal each other.  From a neuroscience perspective, these partners possess strong orbitofrontal cortices; well-balanced left and right brains; well-developed smart vagal systems; well-regulated breath and vocal control; and h...

“When I see partners in a successfully maintained couple bubble, one standout feature is their ability to care for, influence, and manage one another, much the way expert parents do with their children.  Both partners seem to have read and carefully studied the owner’s manual for their relationship and for each other.  Each is familiar with operational details that no one outside of the bubble is likely to know. “For instance, these partners know what has the most power to push the other’s buttons.  When the other is feeling bad, they immediately sense why.  Not only that, they know how to remedy the situation.  They know the right words to say, or deeds to perform, that have the power to elevate, relieve, excite, sooth, or heal each other.  From a neuroscience perspective, these partners possess strong orbitofrontal cortices; well balanced left and right brains; well-developed smart vagal sytems; well-regulated breath and vocal control; and ho...