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Working with Brain's Primitives and Ambassadors

“Identifying your primitives in action helps to hold them in check.  Now that you know who your primitives are and how they operate, see if you can catch them in the act.  When a red alert is going off, for example, can you recognize it for what is?  I’m not suggesting you will automatically know how to instantly turn it off.  First simply recognize that your amygdalae are sounding an alarm.  This alarm may take the form of your heart racing, palms sweating, face burning, or muscles tightening, or you may notice yourself suddenly becoming weak, slouched, nauseous, faint, numb, or shut down.
“Of course, identifying your primitives can be accomplished only by none other than…your ambassadors; specifically, your hippocampus.  By definition, if you are able to notice your primitives in action, they can’t have gained the upper hand.  If they have, it’s too late; better luck next time.  And you can be assured that there most likely will be a next time.
“It’s always helpful to recognize what works well, in addition to what does not.  For this reason, I also recommend identifying your ambassadors.  Notice when they step up to the plate in support of your relationship; give them credit where credit is due.  And invite them step forward whenever their warmth, wisdom, calm are needed.
“If your primitives are allowed to have their way–as sometimes happens–there will be no lollygagging around when danger’s afoot.  Life will be filled with one crisis after another, as you continually fire blind without thinking of the consequences.  But when relationships are at stake, you want to avoid pulling the trigger.  So call on your ambassadors to slow things down.
“Identify your partner’s primitives and ambassadors in action.  At times, especially if your partner’s primitives are large and in charge, you may be able to do this before your partner can.  Likewise, your partner sometimes may be able to do it for you before you can yourself.  – Stan Tatkin in Wired for Love
What an awesome description of explaining what to do to have life and relationships work.  Of course it is easier said than done.  Like he said “better luck next time,” as you try again to calm the primitives down so the ambassadors can work well.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.
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