Psychology Help Today

"All Freds do ordinary work.  Why?  Because that's the only kind of work there is.  A physicist may do work that seems exotic to you, but to the physicist it is merely a series of ordinary tasks, done day after day, week after week. "All any of us have are ordinary days and ordinary work.  But we have a choice about how we will do that work.  If we commit to an attitude of service and excellence, our ordinary tasks will become extraordinary.  It's only when we allow our work to become monotonous that it is truly ordinary. "All Freds have the same raw material time, effort, and talent.  Those are the building blocks for creating the extraordinary.  The magic isn't in the materials but in how the materials are used." - Mark Sanborn in Fred 2.0: New ideas on how to keep delivering extraordinary results. We all have systems in which we do our work.  It is the going above and beyond when we are doing ordinary work where we can ...

"All Freds do ordinary work.  Why?  Because that's the only kind of work there is.  A physicist may do work that seems exotic to you, but to the physicist it is merely a series of ordinary tasks, done day after day, week after week. "All any of us have are ordinary days and ordinary work.  But we have a choice about how we will do that work.  If we commit to an attitude of service and excellence, our ordinary tasks will become extraordinary.  It's only when we allow our work to become monotonous that it is truly ordinary. "All Freds have the same raw material time, effort, and talent.  Those are the building blocks for creating the extraordinary.  The magic isn't in the materials but in how the materials are used." - Mark Sanborn in Fred 2.0: New ideas on how to keep delivering extraordinary results. We all have systems in which we do our work.  It is the going above and beyond when we are doing ordinary work where we can ...

"Nobody can prevent you from choosing to be extraordinary. "In 2004, management guru Tom Peters chose this quote from The Fred Factor as one of his favorites of the year.  The statement is simple but true.  Whether you are encouraged, taught, rewarded, or recognized for being extraordinary, at the end of the day it is a chose you have to make.  No one else can make it for you--not your employer, not your spouse, not your friend.  It's something you have to pursue yourself. "So what's the point of exerting extra thought and effort into being extraordinary? "You will receive many benefits from being extraordinary.  But after studying extraordinary individuals and organizations for more than twenty-five years.  I've identified four of the most powerful benefits. "1. Extraordinary brings us delight....That is why stories of the extraordinary go viral.  They are not just unusual--they are inspirational.  We want to share the delight...

[youtube=http://youtu.be/oyPBtExE4W0] Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.

[youtube=http://youtu.be/xIjobdArtiA] Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.

"Research shows that women often can match men drink for drink, the effects on their bodies are dramatically more dangerous.  Neurologically, alcohol affects women more quickly and severely than men, compromising self-control, judgment and emotions. "The CDC [Center for Disease Control] also says female binge drinkers--those consuming four or more drinks within two hours--can experience anxiety, depression and memory loss as the brain cells shrink.  They also have a 39 percent higher risk for stroke as heart muscles are weakened.  "Alcohol consumption -- a July 2012 Gallup poll shows 44 percent of Americans drink alcohol regularly, and 22 percent admit they sometimes imbibe more than they should. "A Mayo Clinic study of 9,032 women found that women who had close relatives with breast cancer and were daily drinkers had double the risk of breast cancer, compared to those who never drank.  Even moderate drinkers had an increased risk for breast canc...

"A study conducted by Ryan Howell, an assistant professor of psychology at San Francisco State University, and presented at the 2009 annual meeting of the Society for Personality and Social Psychology, showed that people are made happier by experiences than by things.  So, I suppose, if you are going to spend like you are rich, at least do it on social interactions that will actually make you happy, such as taking vacations or going to the theater.  As an added bonus, Ryan's study indicated that cost is not important; just have a life experience--one that has the added benefit of enhancing the lives of loved ones and friends around you. "One of the things that set wealthy apart from others is that they have a wise variety of interests and activities.  In fact, there is a substantial correlation between the number of interests and activities that people are involved in and their level of financial wealth.  Some wealthy people feel that owning a vacation...

Spirituality video, interesting. Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.

http://youtu.be/FC2gi2naMfo Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.

"Asking a partner, 'What's wrong?' is a bit like asking 'Who are you, again?'  As partners, we should know.  Others may not know and are not required to know, but we most certainly are.  That's our job, and that's why we're paid the big buck!  We do for our partners what others would not want to do because they don't really care. "Of course, our guesses will not be correct a hundred percent of the time.  I'm not suggesting you need to be clairvoyant." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love I love the knowing that he writes about.  We should know the ones we love.  And, too, they should know us.  That is why it takes time to develop real relationships. Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.

"Are you aware of what things you can say or do that have the power to relieve distress and uplift your partner?  Take a minute and think about these now. "1. You may find it helpful to begin with the list of vulnerabilities" of your partner. "For each of the three or four things that make your partner feel bad, you probably can identify something that will mollify the bad feeling.... "2. Check the list you come up with against the antidotes.... "3. You may also want to create a list of the things your partner can (and does) do that please and uplift you.   If you are doing this exercise together, you can create separate lists for each other and then compare notes." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love As we learn to uplift those that we love our relationships get more emotional intimate.  It is important to share what we need too to get relief from distress.  Your partner may not know what you need and it is perfectly legitima...

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.

"How many people actually know how to spontaneously make their partner feel happy and loved?  I'm talking here about a phrase, a deed or an expression aimed at one's partner meant specifically to uplift him or her.  I have seen partners married for thirty years who appear dumbfounded when challenged to brighten, move charm, or otherwise enamor one another. Yet this ability to spontaneously and predictably shift or elevate your partner's mood or emotional state is a crucial aspect of being an expert on your partner. "In my work with couples, I have found most people don't want their partner to change, not really.  They fundamentally appreciate their partners as they are.  But what people do want is to know how to influence, motivate, and otherwise have a positive effect on their partner.  They want to avoid pushing the other's buttons.  But that is not enough.  They also want to know the antidotes to apply when things go awry.  They ...

 Meant to Be by Steven Curtis Chapman http://youtu.be/l9ksMpwqjXQ Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.

"It is important for you to know your own vulnerabilities, and it is even more important to know your partner's.  Knowing your partner's three or four bad things takes the guesswork out of what distresses him or her.  Not knowing these three or four things can weaken the relationship and make it a dangerous place for both of you.  "... 1. Sit down and think about the issues that deeply affect your partner.  You probably didn't know him or her during childhood, but what has your partner shared with you about that phase of life? "2. Recall specific incidents in your relationship during which you partner became distressed.  In each case, what was the issue that made him or her feel vulnerable. "3. Jot down all the incidents and issues come to mind.  Don't censor yourself. "4. When you've completed your list, go back over it and look for commonalities.  See if you can narrow the list down to three or four main areas of vulne...

"As an expert on your partner, you need to be familiar with the three or four things that make him or her feel bad.  But, as the saying goes, "Physician, heal thyself."  In other words, before attempting to identify you partner's vulnerabilities, it makes sense to have a handle on your own. "So take a minute now and think about this. "1. Sit down where you can have some private time, and think about the issues that have deeply affected you.  From as early as you can remember, on the way to this point in time, what things still dog you today? "2. It may help to recall specific incidents.  For example, this could be an argument with your partner in which you become very angry, or a time you felt depressed, lonely, or rejected.  In each incident, what was the issue that led you to feel vulnerable. "3. Take a pen and paper (or your tablet PC) and jot down all the incidents and issues that come to mind.  Don't censor yourself....

"We all have a handful of issues with the particular power to make us feel bad.  These issues typically originate during childhood, and we carry them into our adult relationships. "For instance, you have been picked on as a child, and so you continue to feel vulnerable whenever someone tries to tease you.  It affects you to this day.  Or as a child, you were told you were ugly or stupid, and now you still feel you are less attractive or intelligent than others.  Perhaps someone in your early childhood always had to be right, and by default always made you seem wrong.  Today you continue to feel sensitive to right/wrong issues. "How many such issues does each of us actually have?  Do they number in the tens? Or even more?  Partners often are under the illusion that they have a vast storehouse of personal issues with which they have to deal.  In my experience as a clinician, however, this is generally untrue.  If we really boi...

“Susan is not unusual.  She developed this problem because she lives in a culture that teaches out appearances and material acquisitions can soothe psychological problems and enhance self-worth.  Like Susan, most of us believe that others will accept us and think more highly of us if we have more stuff, or fancy stuff, or the latest stuff.  Our psyches are marinated in promises of status and esteem gained through material possessions. “Large corporations implement highly sophisticated advertising campaigns convincing you that their products are necessary and will help you solve your problems.  They first remind you of your human fallibility and personal insecurities, and then promise you redemption from your feelings of inadequacy or shame.  Advertisements instill hope to achieve psychological states of being–like happiness, popularity, inner peace, sex appeal, and superiority to others–through particular products. “Advertisers have studied your...

"Most educators work in an environment with certain characteristics that are strong correlates of wealth accumulation.  Pension planning, investment seminars, and tax-advantage supplemental investment plans are part of an educator's on-campus socialization process.  Adopting a frugal consumption lifestyle and developing good financial and investing skills are all skin to catching a cold.  What happens when you consistently come into contact with sick people?  You get sick.  Work with frugal people, and you may become frugal.  Associate with colleagues who are astute investors, and you may become wealthy one day.  Many educators became good investors because their jobs require them to research, study, and learn new material on a continuous basis.  These processes are easily applied to making investment decisions. "...live comfortably on 80 percent of their household's income.  They earn more and accumulate more than most of thei...

"This book reviews the scientific evidence and explains that the vast majority of adult cancers are avoidable if an excellent diet is begun and maintained from early childhood.  Unfortunately, pediatricians and family physicians rarely discuss diet with parents, encouraging the perception that what a child eats does not matter.  Parents also are uninformed that following an anti-cancer diet can free their children from repeated trips to the doctor, endless courses of antibiotics, and the curtailed living that comes from being frequently sick. "While the scientific information may be alarming, the solutions are simple.  Eating to prevent common illnesses as well as to prevent life-threatening illnesses in the future can be easy and taste good.  You and your family will discover that the right foods can protect against obesity, autoimmune disease, diabetes, heart disease, and cancer." - Joel Fuhrman, M.D. in Disease - Proof Your Child A very enlighteni...

"The most recent scientific evidence is both overwhelming and shocking--what we feed (or don't feed) our children as they grow from birth to early adulthood has a greater total contributory effect on the dietary contribution to cancers than dietary intake over the next fifty years.  American children and most children in developed countries eat less than 2 percent of their diet from natural plant foods such as fruits and vegetables.  American children move into adulthood eating 90 percent of their caloric intake from dairy products, white flour, sugar, and oil.  Amazingly, about 25 percent of toddlers between ages one and two eat no fruits and vegetables at all.  By fifteen months, french fries are the most common vegetable consumed in America! "Childhood diets are unhealthy, but the issue goes beyond simple nutrition.  Recent, compelling, scientific evidence over the past two decades has shown links between precise dietary factors and autoimmune ...

"Childhood diets create adult cancers.  When our children eat junk food instead of fruits and vegetables, the groundwork is being laid for cancer and other diseases to occur down the road. "Additionally, many children today are very often recurrently sick with ear infections and allergies,  and then, later in life, may develop autoimmune illnesses such as lupus, ulcerative colitis, and rheumatoid arthritis.  The major contributor to the development of these illness is suboptimal nutrition.  Kids become ill not because they just naturally pass around germs or have bad genes, but because their diets are inadequate.  Medications cannot prevent these problems--only a diet of nutritional excellence can." Joel Fuhrman, M.D. in Disease-Proof Your Child Children need the proper nutrition to fight off the illness that are in and around their bodies.  What we give them to eat for their bodies can affect their lives years later.  More information...

"Even 'constructive criticism' is usually received with defensiveness.  That's why Denver psychologist Susan Heitler, author of From Conflict to Resolution , recommends feedback that 'skips the complaining and goes straight to the explaining. ..."For parents, the same approach applies to homework and chores.  Choose encouraging statements over a stern grilling, Heitler advises, and say what you would prefer your child to do rather than what she has not done or has done incorrectly. ('I'd love to see your playroom cleaned up by this weekend so you and your friends can have fun downstairs,' instead of 'This place is a mess! What have you been doing?  You haven't picked up one thing.  No one is coming over this weekend until this room is spotless.') "Criticism is the single most significant factor in a child's perception of the parental relationship.  It's important to criticize without demeaning or humiliating." - Ma...

"Just because we may not pay mundane interactions much attention, however, doesn't mean that researchers ignore them.  In fact, it is one of the operating principles of social psychology that even the most minute encounters can have large effects on our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. "In that spirit, researchers have explored many of our everyday activities--and found empirical evidence that they can be performed better.  We can greatly reduce our stress and get more of what we see by applying a cornucopia of information from recent studies that bear directly on the small problems and challenges of our daily lives. "If there is a unifying these to the findings, it is that the most successful encounters accommodate, even anticipate, the respondent's point of view.  That is, if we want something only another person can give--friendship, acceptance, forgiveness--we need to factor the other person's mindset into our requests and behavior." - Mary Lof...

"In addiction to looking at SPECT scans, the nationally recognized mental health expert also began using a highly personalized evaluation process to reveal overlooked symptoms in each of his patients.  Dr. Amen's findings regarding ADD were nothing short of revolutionary.  The one-size-fits-all medication strategies were not working because there simply was not one single form of ADD.  In fact, Dr. Amen identified 6 completely different subtypes of ADD, with each type requiring very different treatment approaches. "'In four of the six ADD types, mainstream stimulant medications make symptoms worse,' Dr Amen said.  But his discoveries didn't stop at recognizing failures in common treatment protocols.  Dr. Amen also determined alternate treatments that would work for these other ADD types. "He found that specific types of therapy and nutritional supplements eased symptoms, and he sometimes paired these alternative treatments with targeted medications....

http://youtu.be/M9Yasgzjc0w Matthew West - My Own Little World Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.

"The role of a primary partner is a big one:  it entails taking good care of another human pain in the rear.  And the only way for this to work is for it to be fully mutual.  Both partners need to become experts on one another.  With this kind of arrangement, nobody really loses and everybody truly wins.  You can think of it as a kind of pay-to-play version of romance, and it is, make not mistake, an investment in your future." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love Understanding your partner is necessary for good romantic relationship.  Relationship should not just be "consensual," a political correct term, but really the relationship needs to be taking care of one another's heartaches, fears and pains.  We need to know how to take care of our partner in their hard times not just in the good and visa versa, they need to the same for us.  Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appoint...

"The most recent scientific evidence is both overwhelming and shocking--what we feed (or don't feed) our children as they grow from birth to early adulthood has a greater total contributory effect on the dietary contribution to cancers than dietary intake over the next fifty years.  American children and most children in developed countries eat less than 2 percent of their diet from natural plant foods such as fruits and vegetables.  American children move into adulthood eating 90 percent of their caloric intake from dairy products, white flour, sugar, and oil.  Amazingly, about 25 percent of toddlers between ages one and two eat no fruits and vegetables at all.  By fifteen months, french fries are the most common vegetable consumed in America! "Childhood diets are unhealthy, but the issue goes beyond simple nutrition.  Recent, compelling, scientific evidence over the past two decades has shown links between precise dietary factors and autoimmune i...

"When I see partners in a successfully maintained couple bubble, one standout feature is their ability to care for, influence, and manage one another, much the way expert parents do with their children.  Both partners seem to have read and carefully studied the owner's manual for the relationship and for each other.  Each is familiar with operational details that no one outside of the bubble is likely to know. "For instance, these partners know what has the most power to push the other's buttons.  When the other is feeling bad, they immediately sense why.  Not only that, they know how to remedy the situation.  They know the right words to say, or deeds to perform, that have the power to elevate, relieve, excite, soothe, or heal each other.  From a neuroscience perspective, these partners possess strong orbitofrontal cortices; well-balanced left and right brains; well-developed smart vagal systems; well-regulated breath and vocal control; and h...

"As parents, we want what is best for our children.  We would never intentionally harm them--in fact, we make sure to get them the best possible care, read to them, play with them, and ensure their safety at home, at school, and at play.  But when it comes to feeding them, somehow we don't know what's best.  Our kids seem finicky and eat nothing but cheese and pasta or chicken fingers or milk and cookies, and we let them.  At the same time, we notice that they are frequently ill--they suffer from recurring ear infections, runny noses, stomachaches, and headaches.  We take them to the doctor, who prescribes yet another round of antibiotics.  We assume, because we also see it happening with friends and family, that it is par for the course when bringing up children.  It doesn't have to be so. "This scenario may be "normal" for kids today, but it is not normal for humans or any other species of animal that eats nutrient-rich natural foods....

"Supporting principles to guide you: "1. Discover your partner.  ... What relationship best describes your partner?  And while you're at it, what style best describes you!  As I mentioned before, please resist the temptation to use this typologyas ammunition against one another.  Like any powerful tool, it can inflict damage if used improperly.  So use it with compassion in your relationship. "2. Be unapologetically you.  Our task in committed relationships is not to change or become a different person.  Quiet the contrary: our task is to be unapologetically ourselves.  Home is not a place to feel chronically ashamed or to pretend we are someone we're not.  Rather, we can be ourselves while retaining our sense of responsibility to others and to ourselves.  And just as we unapologetically himself or herself.  In this way, we offer each other unconditional acceptance. "Of course, being unapologetically ourselves doesn...

“When I see partners in a successfully maintained couple bubble, one standout feature is their ability to care for, influence, and manage one another, much the way expert parents do with their children.  Both partners seem to have read and carefully studied the owner’s manual for their relationship and for each other.  Each is familiar with operational details that no one outside of the bubble is likely to know. “For instance, these partners know what has the most power to push the other’s buttons.  When the other is feeling bad, they immediately sense why.  Not only that, they know how to remedy the situation.  They know the right words to say, or deeds to perform, that have the power to elevate, relieve, excite, sooth, or heal each other.  From a neuroscience perspective, these partners possess strong orbitofrontal cortices; well balanced left and right brains; well-developed smart vagal sytems; well-regulated breath and vocal control; and ho...

"You and your partner should become familiar with each others' relationship styles. "We get to know our partner fully in order to become competent as managers of our partners in the best way.  Be competent managers, I mean partners who are experts on one another and know how to move, shift, motivate, influence, soothe, and inspire one another.  In contrast, partners who are not expects on one another tend to create a mutual  sense of threat and insecurity.  they don't enjoy a couple bubble.  These partners also tend to wish the other would change, listen to them, or do things the way they do, and ultimately believe they they coupled with the wrong person.  Sadly, these partners merely recreate the insensitivity, injustice, and insecurity of their childhood, never really knowing what is withing their reach  'if only....' "For many people, closeness brings both the promise of safety and security and a threat to safety and security.  ...

"When kids grow up on a farm, the value of savings is much easier to comprehend than in an urban environment.  If a farmer sells or consumes all of corn that he harvests, the following year he will have nothing to plant and as a result, have no income.  The smart farmer knows that some of what he harvests is to feed his family, some is to sell, and some is to be saved for seed.  Teaching the concept of holding some of what is harvested (earned) as seed (savings) for the future is something every farmer’s child understands. “Unfortunately, most of us aren’t farm savvy.  But at your dinner table you could use examples from any farm-grown vegetable that has seeds.  Explaining that one kernel of corn produced a stalk with several ears and that each ear produced hundreds of kernels, can teach many principles; planning ahead, sowing and reaping, and compounded interest. “Years ago we read the book Millionaire Next Door by Thomas Stanley and William Dank...

"We've heard of parents who give their children money on Sunday morning to put in the offering plate.  While donating money is a commendable thing, when children give what isn't theirs, the joy of giving is usually missed.  We've always encouraged our kids to give their own possessions, time, or money to those in need. "... Sometimes the best solution has been to use our organizational skills to help raise money, rather than simply giving it.  Working with our kids, we've taught them to organize, promote, and host fund-raising garage sales for our Boy Scout troop and drama group.  We've also hosted several silent auctions, with the kids helping collect donations, label item, and administrate the auction.  They'll never forget the time and effort they put forth.  But more importantly, they'll always remember the fun and success they had as hundreds of people came to the events and hundreds or thousands of dollars were raised. "Vo...

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.

"If your partner is a wave [insecurely ambivalent], he or she may insist too much on verbal assurances of love and security.  This is the reverse of what we see with an island, who is less prone to seek or even care about such assurances.  With a right brain gone wild, your partner may appear overly preoccupied with their assurances, and appear overly preoccupied with these assurances, and appear overly expressive, dramatic, emotional, tangential, irrational, and angry.  Under stress, a wave can be unforgiving, punishing, rejecting and inflexible. "During a conflict, a wave will tend to focus on the past and avoid the present and future.  'I can't move forward until we resolve what happened' is a common wave statement.  In all-out war, the wave's right brain get hijacked by primitives and can become threatening by doggedly pursuing a resolution through connecting, now!  In this situation, the connector uses physical and emotional connection as...

Half the Sky b y Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn A very good book.  Not a read for the weak-kneed.  The book is about the injustices of women through out the world just because they are women.  It is meant to inspire awareness and help to women who are being abused by friends, husband, family, and cultures that are not honoring of them. Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.

“Islands [insecurely avoidant] tend to have both heightened primitives and wild ambassadors.  If your partner is an island, he or she may rely too much on talking to work out issues.  This often is a consequence of not being able to connect readily on a nonverbal level.  Of course this imbalance is natural for an island and generally may not lead to complaints in setting other than romantic relationships.  When the relationship becomes distressed, a left brain gone wild can get your partner into hot water if he or she comes across as overly logical, rational, arrogant, unemotional, or unexpressive, or an insufficiently empathic.  Under stress, an island can be overly terse, dismissive, and inflexible, or too silent or too still. “During a conflict, an island will tend focus on the future and avoid the present and past.  ‘The past is past.  Why can’t we just move forward?’ is a common island approach.  In all-out war, an island’s left ...

Three styles of relating: " Anchor- -Secure as individuals -Willing to commit and fully share with another -Generally happy people -Adapt easy to the needs of the moment " Island- - Independent and self-reliant -Take good care of themselves -Productive and creative, especially when given space -Low maintenance "Wave- -Generous and giving -Focused on taking care of others -Happiest when around other people -Able to see both sides of an issue" - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love It is helpful to know that others don't relate in the same way we do.  Their attachment relating effects relationships.  Securely attached, insecurely avoidant, and insecurely ambivalent are other ways of saying the above styles.  The Stan Tatkin says "what a boring place this world would be if it were any other way."  That is an optimistic way to look at relationship difficulties! Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be r...

"As you wonder about your own childhood, you might ask yourself if any of the following happened when you were a child: Was I frequently left alone to play by myself? Was I taken out as a show item and then put away when no longer needed? Was I expected to meet the needs of my caregivers more than my own needs? Was I expected to manage my caregivers' emotional world or self esteem? Was I expected to stay young, cute, and dependent? Was I expected to grow up quickly, act self-sufficient, and not be a problem? Were my caregivers sensitive to my needs or did they frequently misread me? "Before we go further, I want to clarify that this snapshot of your childhood is not about whether or not you were loved by your parents.  I don't want to give the impression I'm talking about love.  what I'm describing has less to do with love and more to do with safety and security and the underlying attitudes we bring to a relationship." - Stan Tatkin, ...

"As I've stated, our social wiring is set at an early age.  Whether we grow up feeling basically secure or basically insecure to determined by how our parents or caregivers relate to us and to the world.  Parents who put a high value on relationship tend to do more to protect their loved ones than do parents who value other things more.  They tend to spend more face-to-face and skin-to-skin time with their child; be more curious about and interested in their child's mind; be more focused, attentive, and attuned to their child's needs; and generally be more motivated to quickly correct errors or injuries, because they want to restore the goodness of the relationship.  In these ways, they create a secure environment for the child. "The dynamics of this early relationship leave their mark at a physiological level.  Neuroscientists have observed that children who receive lots of positive attention from adults then to develop more neural networks than d...

"No one likes to be classified, yet we tend to classify the people and things around us because we have brains that, by nature, organize, sort, and compare information and experience. In fact, people have been defining the human condition for centuries, and they continue to form new ways of doing so today. We are liberals or conservatives, geeks or Goths, atheists or religious fanatics, Scorpios or Capricorns, either from Mars or from Venus. As long as we don't use these categories to debase or dehumanize anyone, they can help us understand one another. ..."If you can recognize and understand each other's styles, it is much easier to work together and to resolve issues as they arise. Having the sense that 'I know who you are' makes it easier to be forgiving and to be sincerely supportive." -Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love Understanding our partner is about giving understanding not accepting abusive or mean behavior from them. It is about ha...