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Coaddicts grieving

"One of the first reactions of a grieving person is the denial of the loss of the loved one.  The loss of the relationship because of addictive involvement generates all those basic human processes involved at separation: hope, denial, anger, despair, and loneliness.  A grieving person resolves pain by acknowledging the loss and reconnecting with others.  Losing a loved one to addiction, however, has the potential of keeping one stuck in the early stages of grief and never coming to resolution.  The addict is still present in one's life even though the loss of the relationship is real. 

"Therein is the bind of the 'coaddict,' or the loved one or friend who becomes so involved in the life of the addict that he or she truly starts to participate in the same impaired mental processes of the addict.  As 'courtship goes awry' for the the addict, the grief cycle for the loved one, one also becomes distorted.  By definition, the addict replaces normal human relationships with sexual compulsiveness.  Loved ones feel the loss, try to deny it, and become angry, feeling despair and sometimes hope.  The coaddicts' efforts to restore the relationship are not only ineffective, they can intensify and deepen the addictive system for the addict.  To compound the tragedy, coaddict will take actions which are self-destructive, degrading, or even profound violations of their own values.  Family members, as coaddicts, become part of the problem.  Hence the prefix co-." - Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. in Out of the Shadows

Grief and loss are not the feelings that come to mind with family and spouses of addicts.  However, those are real feelings that coaddicts go through.  They haven't lost the addict in a physical sense but the hopes and dreams for the relationship and the addict have died. 

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.
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