After leaving the abuser, we still may ask, "What do I do about the fact that I still love the abuser?" How can that be, she longs to know, as this is the person that injured her, brought her grief...or as some say, ruined her life? What you feel is natural to that experience.
When there has been intimate partner abuse, it's usually not about pure love after the fact; it's more about attachment. That is, attachment to the fantasy of what will never happen is now lost. We must allow ourselves this opportunity to grieve.
For some, it is more about attachment to the life they lost or the years that have passed them by. Invariably something that was...no longer is, and that's what hurts...the absence of what was once there. It is like an amputee's pain after the limb is removed. The neurons are still firing and the experience of physical pain is quite real. We call it "phantom pain." Which is real pain.
The grieving of a bad relationship has many of the characteristics of grieving of a good relationship. It doesn't matter whether your relationship was dysfunctional or healthy. When you are grieving its absence, you can experience any or all of the "Five Stages of Grief," as we know from Kubler-Ross' model...
1. Denial and Isolation - There may be denial that things have come to this. And you could isolate yourself in the shame of it all.
2. Anger - You may have rage toward yourself and/or your ex-partner..
3. Bargaining - You may even fantasize how life could be or could have been.
4. Depression - The raw sadness turns your days into tears.
5. Acceptance - And ultimately, after you reach into your resources of self-repair helping you to emerge from a relationship that didn't work.
We need self-compassion to mend our broken heart in the grieving and loss that we need to walk through. When grieving the loss of a relationship, some domestic abuse victims and survivors compound their grieving by reliving their victimization. They interpret the natural experience of grieving as something their former abusive partner did to them. However, this person can be far out of the picture.
The moment you recognize that the pain and loss you feel is part of the natural grieving process, then you own your experience. Acknowledging that, "He stole those lost years with all the pain that he caused and I lived through." And from here, your healing begins.
For help with healing from an old relationship visit www.emdrtherapy-denver.com.
So if you are asking yourself, "Why do I still love this person that hurt me so much?"…consider the fact that you are grieving the loss of a relationship that you chose to leave or that left you. And what you feel is perfectly natural to experience.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.
When there has been intimate partner abuse, it's usually not about pure love after the fact; it's more about attachment. That is, attachment to the fantasy of what will never happen is now lost. We must allow ourselves this opportunity to grieve.
For some, it is more about attachment to the life they lost or the years that have passed them by. Invariably something that was...no longer is, and that's what hurts...the absence of what was once there. It is like an amputee's pain after the limb is removed. The neurons are still firing and the experience of physical pain is quite real. We call it "phantom pain." Which is real pain.
The grieving of a bad relationship has many of the characteristics of grieving of a good relationship. It doesn't matter whether your relationship was dysfunctional or healthy. When you are grieving its absence, you can experience any or all of the "Five Stages of Grief," as we know from Kubler-Ross' model...
1. Denial and Isolation - There may be denial that things have come to this. And you could isolate yourself in the shame of it all.
2. Anger - You may have rage toward yourself and/or your ex-partner..
3. Bargaining - You may even fantasize how life could be or could have been.
4. Depression - The raw sadness turns your days into tears.
5. Acceptance - And ultimately, after you reach into your resources of self-repair helping you to emerge from a relationship that didn't work.
We need self-compassion to mend our broken heart in the grieving and loss that we need to walk through. When grieving the loss of a relationship, some domestic abuse victims and survivors compound their grieving by reliving their victimization. They interpret the natural experience of grieving as something their former abusive partner did to them. However, this person can be far out of the picture.
The moment you recognize that the pain and loss you feel is part of the natural grieving process, then you own your experience. Acknowledging that, "He stole those lost years with all the pain that he caused and I lived through." And from here, your healing begins.
For help with healing from an old relationship visit www.emdrtherapy-denver.com.
So if you are asking yourself, "Why do I still love this person that hurt me so much?"…consider the fact that you are grieving the loss of a relationship that you chose to leave or that left you. And what you feel is perfectly natural to experience.
Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado. She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928.
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